


The Grief Wail

by Bremol



Category: The Big Valley
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 04:50:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17739332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bremol/pseuds/Bremol
Summary: The Barkleys will never be the same.





	1. Chapter 1

The blood curdling wail echoed through the valley, stopping every man on the Barkley ranch in their tracks, sending shivers down their spines, and causing the hair on their necks to stand on end.

“What the hell was that?” Nick yelled as he looked at Heath.

Heath’s eyes were wide as he stared across at his brother.  “Mother.”

Nick frowned as he stalked to where Heath stood, the younger man’s hand still in the air where he’d been about to hammer a post into the ground.  “What do you mean…Mother?” he demanded.

Dropping the hammer, Heath ran to his horse.  “Mother,” he said again before vaulting up into his saddle and taking off.

“Hey!”  Nick shouted, rushing to his own horse.  “Catch him, Coco,” he told his mount as he gave him his head.

Heath’s heart was pounding as he raced back toward the house.  He knew Nick was following, could hear him yelling, but all he could think about was that blood curdling wail…a sound he’d heard once before when he was working in the mines.  It was a sound you never forgot once you heard it.

Nick yanked on the reins as Coco pounded into the yard behind Heath and Charger.  “Heath!  Heath!  Stop boy!”

“Can’t!  Have to find Mother!”  Heath yelled back as he rushed toward the house.  “Mother!”

Nick, who had used his longer legs to his advantage and caught up to Heath, followed him into the house and watched as Silas rushed in from the kitchen, the old man’s eyes wide.  He’d clearly heard the wail, though he didn’t seem to be puzzled about what it had been.

“She’s not here, Mr. Heath.  She and Ms. Audra went to the orphanage after lunch.”

“What about Jarrod?  He was going to work from home today.”  Nick frowned at the looks passing between his brother and Silas.

“Mr. Jarrod had to go to Stockton to get some papers he forgot.”

Seeing the look again, Nick huffed, “What is that look?”

But neither man answered.

Silas watched as Heath turned and rushed out of the house the same way he’d rushed in. 

“Silas, you know what that wail was.  Tell me.”  Nick demanded.

Silas shook his head.  “Follow, Mr. Heath,” he whispered before disappearing back into the kitchen.

Nick frowned.  It wasn’t like Silas to act that way.  What in tarnation was going on?  Rushing out the door, he could barely see Heath as he headed in the direction their mother and sister would be coming in as they came home from the orphanage.  As he pulled himself up into the saddle and turned Coco in the same direction, his mind started putting together what he’d heard.

And he didn’t like what he was coming up with.

Not one little bit.

 

~*~

 

Jarrod had been headed back to the ranch when he’d heard the wail, his usually steady horse, Jingo, nearly bucking him off in fright.  Once he’d settled his horse, he turned the animal in the direction he was sure the sound had come from.

Seeing the overturned buggy, Jarrod pushed Jingo harder until he was pulling on the reins, stopping the horse and jumping out of the saddle.  “Mother!” he yelled as he ran to where she sat, Audra’s head in her lap.

Kneeling down beside his mother, Jarrod looked down at his sister and felt as though his heart had stopped beating in his chest.  Closing his eyes against the tears that welled up, he opened them again and turned his attention back to his mother.  Her face was scratched, a gash at her forehead had blood running down into her eye.  Her hair was a mess, her clothes covered in dirt and blood he suspected was his sister’s.  Looking at Victoria’s eyes, fear started to creep in. 

They were blank.

His mother’s eyes were never blank.

“Mother?” he whispered but got no response.

Hearing horses headed his way, Jarrod stood up and moved away from Victoria.  Stopping by where his brothers had reined in their horses, he held onto Nick when he jumped from the saddle and began to rush toward their mother.

“Don’t, Nick.  You can’t rush her.  And…” he took a deep breath.  “You don’t want to see Audra.  Just go into town and get Dr. Merar.”

“What do you mean, I don’t want to see Audra?”  Nick growled.

“Just for once do as I ask without fighting me, please?”  Jarrod half begged, hoping Nick would listen.

Nick heard something in his brother’s voice and backed down.  “Alright, I’ll go.  Do you want me to send some men back?”

Jarrod nodded.  “They’ll need to bring the wagon and blankets.  I don’t want anyone seeing Audra.”

Nick felt sick at the thoughts going through his head with his brother’s words.  Turning back, he saw Heath standing frozen by Charger, his eyes focused on Victoria.  Walking back to the younger man, Nick reached out and squeezed his arm.  “Heath.”

Heath started then looked up at Nick.  “I’ve heard that sound before…in the mines.  One of the boys my age was trapped and died before we could get to him.  When he was brought out, his mother…” he shook his head.  “You never forget that sound.  Never,” he whispered.

“Come on.  You can go get the doctor while I help the men with the things Jarrod asked for.”

Heath nodded then turned back to Charger, mounting the horse without much thought and numbly waiting for Nick to ride out.

“Don’t come back with the men.”  Jarrod called out.  “And Nick, have one of them bring the other buggy so I can get Mother home.”

Nick studied his brother, seeing the same look in his eyes as he’d seen before.  Nodding before turning to climb up into the saddle, he urged Coco toward home, turning to make sure Heath was following along with Charger.

Jarrod watched his brothers for a moment then moved back to his mother and knelt down beside her.  Taking off his coat, he wrapped it around Victoria before trying to move Audra’s head from her lap.  The vice like grip on his arm, made him stop and look up.  “Mother, please,” he whispered.  Feeling the grip on his arm slacken, he finished moving Audra.  “I’ll be right back.”  He didn’t expect a response, and didn’t receive one, but he couldn’t take the chance that his leaving would cause his mother to be afraid…she’d had enough of that already.

Patting Jingo as he reached up to get his canteen, he took a moment to collect himself, wishing he had some whiskey to give his mother.  He shook his head, he’d like the whiskey for himself to steady his jangled nerves and give him courage.  He’d dealt with many things during the war, things that still sometimes haunted his dreams, but this…well he wasn’t sure he’d be sleeping for a while.


	2. Chapter 2

Jarrod had successfully kept his siblings from seeing Audra, though he wasn’t sure just why Nick hadn’t fought him on it but he was grateful for it nonetheless.  He knew that Nick and Heath had both seen their share of death during the war, but this was different.  He knew after seeing his sweet baby sister this way, he was going to have nightmares, if he slept at all, and he didn’t want his siblings remembering their sister in any other way than the vibrant beauty she’d been the last time they’d seen her.

Scrubbing a hand over his face, he moved back to the chair he’d spent the last two weeks in.  His sister’s funeral had come and gone, but his mother hadn’t been in attendance.  She was still in the same lost state she’d been in since he’d found her the day Audra died.  He hadn’t left her side, missing the funeral himself, knowing that his sister would have understood.

Nick, Heath, and Eugene had all offered to sit with their mother, but Jarrod had told them no.  Nick and Heath needed to run the ranch and Eugene needed to get back to his studies.  Jarrod explained that out of the four of them, he was the only one who wouldn’t be missed if he didn’t show up for work, or school, as the case may be.

Eugene had argued more than the other two, but he’d eventually given in, leaving yesterday to return to Berkley.  Jarrod knew that it had been an awful struggle for his baby brother to go away, but he also knew that if their mother weren’t as she was, she would have wanted him to go back so that he could finish and graduate with the friends he’d made.

Looking at his mother, Jarrod felt his heart clench.  Her eyes were open but they were still blank, empty…unseeing.  She hadn’t made a sound since the wail of grief that had echoed through the valley.  Since he’d gotten her home, the only movement from her had been when Dr. Merar and his wife were settling their patient into her bed.

Truth be told, he didn’t want his siblings to see their mother this way for more than the little bit they did sitting with her in the evening before they went to bed.

“Pappy.”

“There’s no change, Nick.”

“Let me sit with her.  You’re exhausted.”

“I’m fine, Nick.  I don’t want…”

Nick clasped Jarrod’s shoulder.  “I let you protect me from seeing Audra because I could see in your eyes how badly you were suffering for having seen her, but Pappy…” he paused and waited for Jarrod to look up at him.  “I can’t let you continue to protect me when it’s hurting you.  She,” he nodded toward the prone figure of their mother.  “She will have my head if she wakes up and finds out I’ve let you make yourself sick.”

Looking back at his mother, Jarrod shook his head.  “I can’t, Nick.  Even if I weren’t sitting with Mother, I wouldn’t be sleeping.  I can’t.  I…can’t…” his voice trailed off.

Nick sighed, finally understanding more about why his brother wasn’t sleeping.  It wasn’t just because he didn’t want his brothers seeing their mother this way more than they did, or because he couldn’t bear to not be there for her.  His brother couldn’t close his eyes for fear of seeing their sister as he’d seen her the day of the accident.  “Fine then.  I’ll turn in,” he gave in.

“Goodnight, Nick.”  Jarrod whispered.

“Goodnight, Jarrod.”  Nick returned, his mind already thinking of a way to talk to Dr. Merar tomorrow about giving Jarrod something to make him sleep.  He hadn’t been kidding about their mother waking up and having his head if he let Jarrod get sick.  As he walked to his room, his heart ached with the fear that had been lurking there since the day this had happened. 

“Please let Mother wake up,” he whispered as he closed his bedroom door.  He knew that he and his brothers wouldn’t survive losing their mother so soon after their sister.

This house had lost its sunshine with the loss of Audra.  Every person on the ranch felt her absence.  Ciego had taken to giving Audra’s horse extra care as a way to show how much he missed the young woman.  Some of the other hands had started using their free time to go and visit the orphanage to do odd jobs around the place and play with the children in honor of Audra.

Stockton had been affected too.  He’d realized the fact when he’d gone into town for supplies.  Oh, not to the degree the ranch had been, but still enough for him to notice.  Everyone stopped him to ask how his mother was doing, to offer whatever help they could give. 

Pulling his boots off, he changed out of his clothes into his pajamas then flopped down on his bed, his thoughts once again turning to Jarrod.  He felt badly for getting sleep when his brother couldn’t, but it was just like Jarrod to take it all upon himself.  Even before their father had been killed, Jarrod saw to his siblings more than their parents, as much as he was able to, simply because he wanted to keep their parents from being bothered unless it was something very important.  Of course, being a busy lawyer had changed that, but then the younger ones hadn’t been little anymore and it wasn’t as much work.

As his eyes closed, Nick wondered if Heath had turned in yet.  He’d stayed at one of the line shacks by where he’d been working on some of the fences that had been down, saying that he’d just stay there so he could get an early start in the morning.  Not that Nick believed him.  Heath had been even more quiet that usual since all this happened.  Nick had tried to get him to talk, but that was like trying to get water from a rock so he’d left Heath alone, not having the energy to fight with his brother to get what he wanted as was their usual way of doing things.

Rolling over and shuffling around until he was under the covers and had his pillow in just the right shape, he sighed and gave into the fatigue.  These worries would find him with the sunrise, he might as well try to meet them with a clear head.


	3. Chapter 3

Heath stood staring at Jarrod as he slept.  He knew his brother would be angry when he woke up and found out what they’d done, but Nick had insisted it had to be done.  Dr. Merar had agreed after getting a look at Jarrod and hearing from Nick that the man hadn’t slept.

Heath, himself, hadn’t been sleeping much, though he had at least managed a few hours here and there.  His dreams were plagued by the wail.  He remembered that it had taken him a long time to stop hearing it the first time and he hadn’t known the woman.  This time…he scrubbed a hand over his face then turned his attention to Victoria.

He’d come into her life and brought shame up on her husband’s name, but she’d never turned him away.  And now…now she called him son.  She claimed him as her own.  He called her Mother just as her own flesh and blood children.  She’d worked her way into his heart more than he’d ever thought would be possible of his father’s wife.  He’d really had no intentions of letting any of his father’s legitimate family into his heart, but now…well…they were a persistent bunch.  Everyone always said it was the Tom Barkley in them, but he knew better.  It wasn’t Tom Barkley they got it from.  It was Victoria.

Which was why it hurt so much to see her this way.

Victoria Barkley was one of the strongest women he’d ever known but she was broken now.

And so were her sons.

Himself included.

Moving into the room, he looked at Jarrod again and wondered just how long they were going to let him sleep in that chair.  It wasn’t comfortable, Heath knew that, but he also knew he couldn’t lift his brother and carry him by himself.  He was strong, but lifting the sleeping dead weight of a solidly built man like Jarrod…even Nick couldn’t do that though Heath would admit the man was by far the strongest of the three of them.

Sitting on the bed beside Victoria, he reached out and took her hand in his.  “Mother, we need you,” he whispered before leaning over and pressing a kiss to her cheek.  Sitting for a few moments to see if she responded, he sighed then stood up and made his way out of her room. 

This house was far too quiet these days.  Silas, a man that had never blended into the shadows because the family hadn’t expected him to, was suddenly missing…though they all knew he was still in the house because their meals were always on the table when they were supposed to be.  His songs, the songs they’d grown accustomed to hearing filtering out of the kitchen when they came in to clean up, were gone.

The house was nothing more than brick, wood, and mortar now that their sunshine was gone and their heart was absent.

“Watch it.”  Nick hissed as he reached out to stop himself from falling over.

“Sorry.”  Heath mumbled.  “Mind was wandering.  I’ve just been in to see Mother.”

“I was headed that way myself.”

“We need to put Jarrod in his bed.”

Nick nodded and continued on his way, Heath following behind.  “He’s going to be a bear when he wakes up.”

“I thought about that earlier.”  Heath whispered as they stopped by Jarrod’s chair.  “You have to deal with him.”

Nick huffed as he bent to maneuver Jarrod up out of the chair, lifting one side of the sleeping man while Heath did the same on the other side.  “Why should I have to?” he finally whispered as they moved out of the room.

“Because you did this.  I didn’t.”  Heath gave the most logical answer.

Nick rolled his eyes as they put Jarrod on his bed and settled him.  “I say we just let him wake up and find whoever’s here.”

“Well it won’t be me.”  Heath told him as he tugged off a boot.  “Boy howdy, that stuff Doc gave you to put in Jarrod’s drink sure did knock him out.”

“Gave him a double dose.”  Nick admitted as he closed Jarrod’s door.  “You go on to bed, I’ll sit up with Mother.  Until Jarrod wakes up, McCall’s going to take care of things around the ranch so you and I can take shifts here.  I’ll sleep when you get up.”

Heath nodded.  “Did you talk to Doc about help?”

“I did.  He’s going to talk to his wife and see if she can help him find ladies to come out to help on a more regular basis than we’ve had.”

“And does he know how we’re going to talk Jarrod into letting someone else sit with Mother?”

“Jarrod can still sit with her during the day, but he’s going to sleep at night just like the rest of us.”

Heath stopped outside his door.  “You’ve thought a lot about this.”

“None of us have slept well since this whole thing happened.”

Nodding, Heath sighed, “Yeah.  Night, Nick.”

“Night, Heath.”  Nick went to his room to change into his pajamas and robe, deciding that if he was going to sit up all night, he might as well be comfortable doing it.

 

~*~

 

Silas carefully crept up the stairs, remembering the places on the floor that creaked when you walked over them.  He knew that Mr. Nick had tricked Mr. Jarrod into taking whatever it was Dr. Merar had given him by putting it in Mr. Jarrod’s drink.  He also knew that Mr. Nick was sitting with Mrs. Barkley.

Careful to keep himself to the shadows, Silas stopped at the door to Victoria’s room.  The lamp was burning low and Mr. Nick had dozed off, the book he’d been reading, open on his lap.  Quietly moving further into the room, he stopped by the bed and looked down on the woman that had always been kind to him, treated him as she would any other human.  He’d learned very early on that Mrs. Barkley was not like any woman of the house he’d been around.  Of course, she didn’t own him as the others had, but it wasn’t just that.  She didn’t sit about all day doing nothing.  She worked alongside him when there was canning to be done.  She helped fix the meals.  She tended to her own flowers, helped with the cleaning.  Sometimes he wondered just why she had him about the house, but then she’d smile after a party and tell him she didn’t know what she’d do without him, and he’d stop wondering.

Seeing her like this was breaking his family apart but he didn’t know what to do.  Her sons couldn’t bring her out of it, and Dr. Merar said he couldn’t do anything…that they’d just have to wait and see if she’d come out of it on her own.

“You have to come back to us, Mrs. Barkley.  We need you,” he whispered then left the room as quietly as he’d entered.


	4. Chapter 4

Her screams ripped through the quiet of the night, waking the house, and startling Jarrod enough that he fell out of the chair he’d been sitting in.

Not bothering to get up off the floor, he just crawled to the bed and pushed himself up.  Sitting beside his mother, he pulled her into his arms, holding her and rocking her as she cried.

Hearing his brothers run into the room, he shook his head slightly to keep them from rushing to the bed, not sure how the woman in his arms would react.  She’d been lost to them for three months and he wondered if she was back, or if this was another part of whatever had happened to her.

“My baby.”  Victoria cried as she fisted her hands in Jarrod’s shirt.  “Oh god, my baby.”

Holding her tighter, Jarrod felt tears roll down his cheeks as he listened to his mother finally grieving for Audra.  He hadn’t really grieved for his sister because he had been so worried about Victoria, but now…it was flowing out of him.

Feeling the bed move, he opened his eyes and found himself staring into Nick’s eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks.  Looking to the other side he found Heath, his own tears dripping from his chin. 

Both brothers moved close enough to wrap their arms around Jarrod and Victoria, the three men grieving with their mother, hearts breaking with each anguished cry of their sister’s name.

Silas, having come upstairs at the first screams, stood wiping the tears from his face with his handkerchief.  Hearing the plaintive cries of a mother as her heart broke was a sound Silas had heard many times in his life, but he’d never thought to hear it here.  Giving up the futile attempt to wipe away his tears, he turned and went back downstairs, deciding that he’d send one of the hands into Stockton to bring Dr. Merar back to the house. 

As he walked, he said a prayer of thanks that it was a weekend and it was Mr. Jarrod who had been with Mrs. Barkley not one of the ladies who stayed during the week.  Mrs. Barkley and her sons needed the time to grieve without outsiders lurking about.

Hearing a knocking on the door, Silas rushed down the last of the stairs and opened the door to find McCall standing on the other side with a worried look on his face.

“Silas?”

“Mrs. Barkley just came back to us.  Can you send someone to get Dr. Merar?”

“I’ll do it myself.”  McCall turned to go then looked back.  “Is she going to be alright, Silas?  Those boys can’t lose her, too.”

“I don’t know, Mr. McCall.”  Silas answered truthfully. 

McCall nodded then turned and made his way back to the barn, disappearing into the shadows as a cloud rolled over the moon.  His thoughts turned to memories.  He’d worked for this family since before Audra and Eugene were born.  He’d watched how the family had rallied together after the death of Tom.  He’d never seen a woman as strong as Victoria and he’d marveled at how she’d held it together for her young children, though he knew that Jarrod had stepped into his father’s place as head of the family.  He also knew something that her children didn’t.

Victoria’s daily rides back then hadn’t been just to exercise her horse.  She’d used those rides to do her grieving without having to hold back.  McCall had never told anyone what he’d accidently stumbled up on, not even the lady herself.

He’d spent days watching over her, making sure to make it look like he was working in the area so no one would think he was shirking his duties.  He supposed he was in a way, since he wasn’t working, but making sure the grieving widow of his former boss and friend was kept from harm as she grieved, was more important than cattle and fence line.

 

~*~

 

“I’ve given her something to help her calm down.  The screams may continue to happen.  I think she’s remembering the accident as well as…” Dr. Merar paused and shook his head, his own heart aching over the loss of one of the first babies he’d delivered when he’d arrived in the valley.  He’d enjoyed watching Audra grow into the fine young woman she’d become.  Clearing his throat, he continued.  “If she doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t try to force her, but do keep trying to get her to.  As long as she keeps it all inside, she’ll continue to be plagued with the nightmares.”

Jarrod nodded.  “Thank you, John.  Sorry to get you out of bed.”

“No need to apologize, Jarrod.  It’s part of the job.” 

Nick patted the man’s shoulder.  “Thanks, Doc.  You’re welcome to stay in a guest room.”

John shook his head.  “No, I’d best get home.  If someone else needs me, I don’t want them having to go all over trying to find me.”

“Be careful then.”

“Get some rest.  All of you.”

“We’ll do our best.”  Nick shrugged.  “Or at least Heath and I will.”

John studied the man.  “Is Jarrod still having trouble sleeping?” he asked quietly.

Nick nodded.  “But I didn’t say anything.”

John smiled slightly as he walked to the door, digging through his bag as he went.  Handing Nick a small bottle just before he opened the door, he shrugged.  “Same as before.”

Nick watched the man go then looked down at the bottle.  He didn’t think tricking his brother was going to work a second time.

“Don’t even think about it, Nick.”  Jarrod warned from behind as though he’d been reading his brother’s thoughts.

Nick turned and handed the bottle to his brother.  “You do what you wish, but when Mother realizes you haven’t been taking care of yourself…” he shrugged.

Jarrod sighed as he looked down at the bottle of pills.  “It’s not that I don’t want to sleep, Nick.  I can’t.  I close my eyes and…” he shook his head.  “I can’t.”

“It’s why you didn’t want the rest of us to see her.”  Nick whispered.

“Yes.”

“And it’s why you’ve insisted you be the one to sit with Mother.”

Jarrod nodded.  “Go on to bed now.  I’ll go sit with Mother and send Heath on to bed.  Maybe the both of you could sleep in and wait until lunch to go out and join the men.  McCall, I’m sure won’t be expecting you.”

“I’ll see.”


	5. Chapter 5

Victoria sat staring out her bedroom window.  Just past eleven, she’d sat straight up in bed in a sweat, heart pounding, mind half lost in the memory of the accident that had taken her daughter’s life…a memory that had faded completely when she came fully awake.  Then she’d spotted Jarrod sitting in the chair by her bed, his eyes closed, the book he’d been reading hanging precariously off the side of his lap.  When she’d moved to get out of bed, Jarrod’s eyes opened and she’d stopped.  Getting a good look at him, she’d told him to go to bed.  When he’d started to argue, she’d told him she understood that he couldn’t sleep, but that she knew of the sleeping pills Dr. Merar had given him and she wanted him to make use of them.

So, after one of the looks her children had never been able to ignore, her oldest son had given in and was currently asleep in his bed while she was awake and staring out at the nothingness that was the valley after midnight.  She could hear the noises of the animals that moved about at night, but the stars and moon were blocked by clouds.  She could feel in her bones the storm that was moving in, the gloomy atmosphere matching her mood perfectly.

Jarrod had told her that she’d been lost to them for three months.  Months that her children had gone through the pain and heartbreak of their loss without her, compounded by her condition.

How could she have been so weak as to leave them?

She was a stronger woman than that.

Or so she had thought.

Tears sprang up and spilled over as she thought of the child she had lost.

Closing her eyes only took her back to the only thing she remembered from the day of the accident…holding Audra’s lifeless body…so she continued to stare out into the nothingness.  Dr. Merar had told her that she might never remember everything, but she needed to.  She needed answers and she knew that her sons needed them just as much.  None of them would be able to move on until they had some explanation as to why Audra was gone.

“Mother.”  Jarrod whispered as he came into the room.

Wiping at her eyes, Victoria turned and held out her hand for Jarrod to take.  “Why aren’t you sleeping?  I thought you were going to take one of the sleeping pills the doctor provided.”

Sitting on the floor next to his mother, Jarrod looked at the dainty hand he held.  “I did take one, but…” he trailed off and shrugged.

Caressing his face, she stopped to cup his cheek.  “Oh darling,” she whispered, her tears returning.  “My brave boy.”

Jarrod looked up at her with a small smile.  “I remember the first time you called me that.”

“I knew you would,” she whispered and patted his cheek.  “I’m sorry I can’t remember what happened.  If I could, I think it would help us both.”

Jarrod felt like a little boy sitting as his mother’s knee, but somehow it was comforting in the dark of the room with just the two of them.  “No, don’t apologize.  I don’t really want you to remember, though I know for your sake you need to.  I think I’ve pieced together what probably happened to cause the accident.”

Sighing, Victoria shook her head then leaned over and pressed a kiss against Jarrod’s hair.  “Don’t think, just rest.”

The feel of his mother’s fingers gently combing through his hair did just what it always had, lulled him into a sense of peace and calm.  There were times he missed being a little boy that could sit on his mother’s lap and let her soothe him without a care as to what anyone would think.  Now, if anyone saw him sitting here leaning against his mother’s legs, they would think he’d gone soft and he would never hear the end of it…but he was so very tired. 

So very, very tired.

Speaking softly, Victoria began to tell stories about her oldest son when he was young.  She hoped by them reliving these memories, it would help both their minds calm and release the bad things that had been crowding their thoughts…at least for a few moments.

 

~*~

 

Jarrod blinked a few times, frowning at the light in his eyes and disoriented as to where he was.  Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he opened them again and realized he was still on the floor, his head now resting on his mother’s lap.  Sitting up, he found her smiling tenderly at him.  “That was sneaky,” he whispered.

Victoria just nodded and caressed his cheek.  “You needed rest.  Now, go and freshen up.  The others will be up soon.”

“Did you rest?”

“A bit.  The happy memories chased away the other things for a little while.”

“Will you join us for breakfast?”

“I thought I would try.”

“If you can, it would make Silas very happy.”  Pushing himself up, Jarrod bent to press a kiss to her forehead.  “We’ll all be very happy.”

Victoria watched him walk away, the slump of his shoulders telling her the rest he’d gotten hadn’t been enough.  Somehow they had to get passed this and the only way she knew of was for her to remember.

But how?

Standing and moving to her dresser, she stared at herself in the mirror.  She looked far older than she had the last time she’d seen her reflection staring back at herself.

She’d lost her husband, a heart break she thought worse than even that of losing her parents.  But this…this left her with another kind of heartache…a hole that she would never fill.

A parent was not supposed to outlive their child.

And yet…here she was.

How was she to get through this?

She’d had her sister to turn to in those first days after Tom had died, her sister having gone through the loss of her own husband just two years before.

But who did she turn to now?


	6. Chapter 6

Deciding that today was the day she was going to go into town, Victoria tucked a stray tendril of hair behind her ear then smoothed her hands down her skirts. 

She’d slowly slipped back into her life, though she hadn’t ventured far from the ranch, having not been ready or capable of facing people outside of this little bubble her family created.  She’d been protected long enough, now, so she’d decided to do a bit of shopping and ease her way back into the rest of her life.

Smiling at Ciego when she stepped out onto the porch, she paused to take in a deep breath.  “Thank you for bringing the buggy, Ciego.”

“Sí Señora Barkley.”

Victoria watched the man as he walked back to the barn and took a moment to steady her nerves before making her way down the steps to the waiting buggy.  Easily climbing up into the seat, she lifted the reins and froze, her mind suddenly overwhelmed with memories.

_“Oh Mother, wasn’t the baby just the cutest?  Surely someone will adopt him soon.”_

_Victoria smiled.  “He was quite the little charmer.  I’m sure he’ll find a home in no time at all.”_

_Audra sighed, “I just wish we could find homes for all of the children.”_

_Putting both reins in one hand, Victoria reached over to pat Audra’s knee.  “We’ll do whatever we can to help find them homes, Darling.”_

_Audra smiled.  “Thank you, Mother.”_

_As she was moving the reins back into their proper positions, Victoria’s eyes widened when the horse reared and screamed in fright before taking off.  Finally managing to get a rein in each hand, she used all of her strength to try and control the runaway buggy._

_“Mother!”  Audra screamed as they careened toward a tree._

_Victoria yelled at the horse, trying to calm him down even as she felt the muscles in her arms and hands trembling from being so tense.  Pulling on the reins as tightly as she could, she thought she was gaining some ground with the horse when suddenly he reared up and…_

“Audra!  Audra!”

Jarrod heard his mother’s screams and rushed out of the house, finding her siting in the buggy, her eyes staring out at something only she could see.  Realizing that she must be remembering what happened the day of the accident, he approached her carefully, holding up his hand to stop Silas and the others from coming closer and startling her.  Gently touching his hand to her arm, he whispered her name, “Mother,” and waited to see what happened.

Jerking at the touch, Victoria blinked and looked around then looked down and found herself staring into the worried blue eyes of her oldest.  “Jarrod?”

“Yes, Mother,” he answered her query quietly.  Taking her hand, he helped her from the buggy and held her as she collapsed against him.  “Shh,” he whispered when he felt her tears soaking through his shirt.

“I was driving Jarrod.  If I hadn’t…oh god, Jarrod,” she cried as she clutched at his shirt.  “I had both reins in one hand when the horse was spooked by something.  Why did I do that?  Why?  Why?”

Seeing that Silas and the others had disappeared, Jarrod held her tighter.  “Mother, you didn’t know anything would happen.  When was the last time Delph spooked?  He’s one of the steadiest buggy horses we have on the ranch.”

“But I know better,” she murmured.  “And now my baby is dead.”

Jarrod smiled sadly at the thought of his sister’s reaction to be referred to as a baby…she’d have hated it and protested very loudly against it.  He realized that he wasn’t going to get his mother to accept she hadn’t done anything wrong.  All of them had done that sort of thing more times than any of them could probably remember, most of them when it was Delph on the other end of the reins.  “Why did you have both reins in one hand?” he finally asked, sure that he knew what the answer was.

“I was patting Audra’s knee as I assured her we would do everything we could to help the children at the orphanage.”

“You were being her mother and giving her what she needed in that moment.  You must stop blaming yourself, she wouldn’t want that.”

Victoria sighed, knowing that she couldn’t do that.  “I can’t remember anymore after Delph reared.”

“And it’s fine if you don’t.  Maybe you will later, maybe you won’t…it’s okay.”

Pushing back, Victoria stared up at him.  “Don’t tell your brothers.”

“Mother?  Why not?  They’ll understand.”

She shook her head.  “I’ll tell them, but not now.”

Pressing a kiss to her head, Jarrod nodded.  “Alright.”  Handing her his handkerchief, he watched as she dried her eyes and wiped her nose.  “Do you still want to go into town?  You can go with me, if you like.  I was going in to get some paperwork and attend to a meeting.  I plan to work mostly from home on ranch business today so I won’t be there long.”

Smiling at her son and patting his cheek, Victoria nodded.  “I do.  I need to get back to as much of my life outside of the ranch as I can.  Thank you.”

“Well, go fix that lovely face while I finish what I was doing and then we’ll go.  It won’t take me but a few minutes.”

Patting his cheek, she pressed a kiss there before nodding.  “I won’t be long.  And Jarrod?”

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

“I know you do, Lovely Lady, and I’m a lucky son for it.”  Jarrod watched her as she went back into the house, waiting until she disappeared from view before slumping against the buggy and hanging his head.  Dear god, that had been brutal.

“Lord, you have to help me help her,” he whispered as he wiped a tear from his cheek.  “How am I to make her see this wasn’t her fault?”

Feeling a hand on his arm, he looked up and found the kind, wise eyes of their houseman watching him.  “Silas,” he breathed.

“You love her, Mr. Barkley…that’s what you do.  You love her.”


	7. Chapter 7

Heath watched Victoria as she stood and stared at the buggy that had been the one she and Audra had taken out that day months ago that had changed their lives.  He knew that not remembering all that happened that day still bothered his mother, though he knew from Jarrod that she was more troubled by what she perceived as her fault in the accident than by what she didn’t remember.

All of them had tried to reassure her that she’d done nothing wrong, that they had all done such a thing at one time or another because of their complete trust in Delph, but for all of their assurances, she was still blaming herself.

And it was eating her soul.

Her eyes had a haunted look and she’d lost weight to the point of looking sickly.  Silas had done his best to get her to eat properly by fixing things that she normally couldn’t resist, but all she did was pick at what was on her plate.

They’d all seen her go out riding before sunrise every morning after she’d had the flash of memory, and Heath knew that each of them had taken their turn following her at a distance.

What Jarrod and Nick didn’t know, that Heath had accidently discovered one morning following their mother, was that McCall had been following her and looking after her without any of them knowing.  The man still didn’t know Heath had seen him, and Heath had told no one of the discovery, but it made him feel better knowing that Victoria was constantly watched so that no harm came to her while she grieved.

Seeing her head drop, Heath moved to her side, trying not to startle her.  “Mother,” he whispered as he reached out and touched her shoulder.

Victoria started a bit then reached up to wipe at her eyes.  “She was so broken.  When Delph reared…she was thrown out of the buggy and against the tree.  I wasn’t thrown until we were passed the tree.”  Closing her eyes, she once again saw the broken body of her daughter.  “I pulled her into my lap and tried to…” she shook her head, a sob escaping as she was pulled against Heath’s chest.

“Shh, Mother,” he whispered as he held her.  As he thought about what she’d said about Audra, he felt his heart twist at what his oldest brother had been living with…what he’d protected them from.  Victoria had seen the worst of it and there was no one to protect her from it now that she’d remembered the rest of what had happened.  “I’m so sorry you remembered.”

“I needed to,” she managed through her tears.

“But why?  Won’t remembering this make your nightmares worse?”

“Probably, but the not knowing all that I should remember wasn’t good for me.”

Sighing, Heath handed her his handkerchief when she pulled back.  “I wish there was something I could do, Mother.”

Patting his cheek, Victoria smiled at him.  “You’re helping just by giving me a shoulder to cry on when I need one.”

Heath nodded.  “You know all of us will do that.”

“And all of you have.  All three of my sons have been wonderful to me these last months and I’m a grateful woman to have such caring men in my life.”

“Gene wants to come home to help but we’ve all told him no.”

“I’ll tell him myself that I want him to stay in school.  He’s nearly done and I don’t want him to lose everything he’s worked for.”

“He’ll be coming home for the summer in a few weeks.”

“Then I’ll wait and tell him then.  It will be good to have all…” she started and then her voice broke and she leaned back against Heath.  “I won’t have all of my children home.  That will never happen again.”

Wrapping his arms tightly around her, Heath felt his own eyes fill as he thought of the hole his sister’s death had left their family with.  She’d been the first to really warm up to him, even after beating him with her whip for daring to disturb the flowers at their father’s grave.  Finding it hard to think of words that would soothe the woman in his arms, he simply continued to hold her, praying for God to give him a way to heal his family…a way to help this woman who had taken him into her home and heart, accepting him as one of her own.

 

~*~

 

Nick paced the library, a glass of his usual drink in his hand.  He felt useless when it came to helping his mother.  Heath had informed his brothers that Victoria had remembered the rest of what had happened before that blood curdling wail that had echoed through the valley and changed their lives forever.  After hearing his mother’s description of how she’d found Audra, Nick was even more grateful to his older brother for not letting them see their sister and how broken she was. 

He knew with just the description from his mother’s memory that he would be having nightmares for a while and he understood better now why Jarrod was having so much trouble sleeping even this many months later. 

While he was worried about his brother, he was more worried about their mother.  Since the day that she’d had the first memory breakthrough, she’d been blaming herself for what had happened.  She rarely ate much, if anything, no matter what Silas tried to entice her with.  She’d already been having trouble resting, now she didn’t seem to sleep much if at all.  She seemed to be wasting away right before their eyes and none of them had found a way to help her.

Looking at the picture of his father, he took a sip of his drink.  “What do we do, Father?” he whispered, suddenly wishing his father was there far more than he had since those early days after his death.

But would his father be able to help?

Audra had been his favorite, the daughter he adored and doted on.  Would the man be able to deal with her death, especially so tragically?

“Would you blame Mother?” he whispered.  He didn’t want to think that his father would do such a thing, but somehow…it just seemed to be plausible that the man in his grief would blame his wife.

And just where would that get them?

The poor woman was upset enough over what she felt she’d done, she didn’t need blame from someone else.

Taking the last drink from his glass, he put it down on the cart then moved to stare out the window.  “What do we do, Father?” he asked again, this time speaking to the unseen father that he’d always been taught had all the answers.


	8. Chapter 8

Jarrod stared out at the rising sun, the stunning colors blurred by the tears flooding his eyes.  He’d woke up this morning and gone through his morning routine, but one thing had been missing…the bright face of his sister greeting him with a hug and kiss, dressed and ready to ride. 

Today was Audra’s birthday and as long as she’d been old enough for him to take out on his own, he had taken her to watch the sunrise and told her the story of how she’d been in such a hurry to join the family, he’d nearly broke his neck in his ride to town in the dark.  As the sky slowly lightened on that day, the doctor had fought a fight against death to keep Audra with them.  Just as the sun peaked over the horizon, a lusty cry had filled the house signaling that life had won out.

Now…now death had finally claimed that sparkling personality that the doctor had cheated it out of all those years ago.

Looking at the velvet box he held in his hand, he thought about how bright Audra’s smile would have been when she opened it to discover the necklace she’d seen the last time she’d visited him in San Francisco.  He always got some small thing to give to her as they watched the sunrise and this one he’d had for months, buying it shortly after she’d returned to Stockton from her visit so that he could make sure no one else had the chance to buy it before he did.

Thinking once again on how this morning should have been, he could hear her laughter as Nick did his part, starting the tradition he had with their sister by scooping her up and swirling her about as he sang, _Listen to the Mockingbird_ , at the top of his lungs.  None of them had ever understood the choice of song, though he suspected it was some joke between the brother and sister.  Victoria would eventually come out with her hands over her ears and shake her head at the cacophony even as a smile played about her lips at her children’s silliness.

He knew that Victoria’s own tradition had been to go and sit beside Audra and watch her sleep a few minutes before waking her to get ready for her ride with her brother.

None of them even knew if Eugene had a birthday tradition with his sister or not, the younger brother having always been the more quiet of the bunch of them.

Heath had come along so late that he and Audra hadn’t really had a chance for starting any traditions, though he had taken over the first dance with Audra at her parties.

Swiping at his eyes with his handkerchief, Jarrod got up and walked to where he’d tethered Jingo.  Patting the faithful horse’s head, Jarrod reached into his pocket and pulled out a bit of carrot he’d secreted from the kitchen.  “Here you are, boy.  Thank you for being patient with me today.” 

Jingo gently butted Jarrod’s head with his own in answer and reassurance.  He knew his human was sad and he knew it must be because the pretty human that usually came with them on this ride wasn’t here.

Jarrod easily pulled himself up into the saddle, turning Jingo in the direction of Audra’s gave, knowing that was where he’d find his mother and more than likely his brothers.  Eugene had shown up late last night, none of them questioning why he was there, just welcoming him home with open arms and a warm meal.  He knew his baby brother was lost without their sister, far more than the others as they were the closest in age, so close that people had often mistook them for twins.

He sighed.  They’d gone from four brothers and a sister to…just four brothers.  The family felt lopsided.

 

~*~

 

Victoria knelt beside Audra’s grave, her gloved hands pulling at weeds and digging a small hole to plant the rose she’d brought along.  “I thought you would like to have a bit of the rose you always favored in the garden.  It wasn’t what I’d intended to give you for your birthday, but…” her voice broke as she closed her eyes against the tears.  “I was going to take you to Paris.  You always said you wanted to go and this year I felt you would be old enough to go and truly enjoy the trip.”

“She would have enjoyed it, Mother.”  Heath whispered as he knelt down next to her and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

Victoria opened her eyes and smiled at Heath.  “How did you find me?”

“Followed you,” he told her and shrugged when she raised an eyebrow.  “I didn’t really need to follow you to know where you’d be this morning.”

“I heard Jarrod ride out and knew where he was going.  What about the other two?” she asked then heard horses and turned to see her other three sons riding up.

“They’re here.”  Heath couldn’t help the half grin that appeared when she looked at him with exasperation. 

Victoria shook her head, thankful to the young man for adding a bit of humor to the day.  Watching Jarrod, Nick, and Eugene as they made their way toward her, she felt gratitude for the way her sons had all pulled together to support her and each other as they all grieved the loss of Audra.

“Mother.”  Jarrod smiled as he knelt beside her and pressed a kiss to her cheek.  “Planting a rose?”

“It isn’t what I had intended to give her for her birthday, but…” she paused and took a deep breath then continued.  “A trip to Paris doesn’t work anymore.  This rose is the new one she was so fond of.”

Nick was next to kneel down after pressing a kiss to her head.  “She took after you with her love for roses.”

Eugene hugged his mother then knelt down on the other side of Nick.  “Can we help you, Ma?”

Jarrod nodded.  “That’s a good idea, Gene.”  He reached into his pocket and pulled out the velvet box containing the necklace he’d bought for Audra.  “I’d like to put this with the rose.”

“May I see it?”  Victoria asked.

Jarrod nodded and handed the item to his mother.  “She’d seen it when she visited last.  I bought it after she came back to Stockton.  I had planned to give it to her this morning when we went for our ride.”

Opening the box, Victoria fingered the necklace inside.  “It’s beautiful.  Are you sure you want to do this?”

“It’s hers.”  Jarrod whispered.

Victoria nodded and handed it back to him.  “Alright.”

“Mother?”

“Yes, Nick?”

“Can we still have a party?  Just for us?”

“So we can celebrate her?”

Nick nodded.  “Yes.”

Eugene pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket and stared down at it.  “I think that’s a good idea,” he whispered before handing the paper to his mother.  “I always wrote her a letter for her birthday.”

“A letter?”

Eugene nodded and looked up at Victoria.  “It’s how we always told each other things when we were growing up.  She could tell me things she couldn’t the others because of how close in age we were, but she didn’t want to say them out loud.  It was the same for me.  When we got older, our letters like this became our birthday cards to each other.  I’d like to put it in with the rose.”

Victoria felt tears streaking down her cheeks as she held the letter to her heart.  “Thank you.  All of you.”  Smiling at each one of her sons, she went back to her digging, each one of her sons adding his own hand to the spade handle to help.

She didn’t know that she’d ever fully recover from losing her daughter, but with the help of her sons, she knew she’d be able to cope and learn to live with the change in their family.

Together they could do anything.


End file.
